I struggled with my belief in the Eucharist. 

I was a nominal Catholic for a long time. In my thirties, I went through a conversion, prompted by my desire for forgiveness. This period took about four years, during which the Lord gently held up a mirror for me to really see myself. It was a time of repentance and a time of longing. I felt peace at church in front of a crucifix. Finally, I returned to confession, after years of being away, and I was so full of gratitude for God’s forgiveness that my life really changed. I remember one Christmas, lying on a couch near the Christmas tree, where I surrendered myself to God, saying, “You are the king of my heart.” 

Around this same time, my son was preparing to make his first Communion, and I had to come face to face with the question of whether I believed in the true presence of Jesus in the Eucharist. I just wasn’t sure. How could something so ordinary become something so extraordinary? Yet, I thought, “How can I possibly prepare my son if I don't even know what I think?” We had a newly ordained priest at our church, Father John Riccardo, who began to catechize me as an adult, often through a Women’s Bible Study that met weekly. Over several years, he helped form my understanding of the faith, Church teaching, and Sacred Scripture. He also introduced me to Eucharistic adoration, which was a new experience for me. 

But there were years in which I still grappled. Sometimes on my way to receive Communion, these words would be running through my head: “It's just bread, it's just bread, it's just bread.” Sometimes, I felt like a hypocrite while receiving, because I just couldn’t comprehend it. I sought answers to my theological questions in books, on Catholic Radio, and in Bible Studies. Intellectually, one of the big things I realized was that the truth is not dependent on my belief in it. Just because I couldn’t comprehend something, didn’t mean it wasn’t true. This concept really helped me reason. At some point, I realized that the simplest reason to believe in the true presence of Jesus in the Eucharist was that Jesus said it was true. And Jesus is trustworthy.

Around this time, I went to a Holy Spirit seminar at our church and a few days later I was given the gift of tongues. Receiving this charismatic gift was astounding. I could not believe that, despite my sinful past, God would give me such an extraordinary gift. It felt like a private little miracle because I knew I didn't speak any other languages (I tried for years to learn Italian and was terrible), but instantly, I was praying in another language. After receiving this gift, my hunger for Mass, Scripture, and Jesus became much more intense. I was able to put all skepticism aside. If God could do this in me, then he could do anything. 

So my hunger for the Eucharist grew, even if I couldn’t fully understand it. Part of growing in my faith was surrendering my intellect. The mystery was too vast to comprehend. I could not possibly understand what was being offered, but once I took the leap of faith, I began to comprehend more. It's so funny how that worked. What I struggled to grasp intellectually came more naturally after I was “all in” with the faith. Revelations began to come in my spirit and intellectual questions were answered. 

Today, when I go to Eucharistic adoration, I often don't talk. I just look at him and he just looks at me. I feel his presence. I feel his love. I feel understood and his peace washes over me. There is something remarkable about being completely known and understood. Sometimes I just release a big breath and say, “Whew! I’m here.” I feel like I'm just falling into the arms of love. The king of my heart. Other times I feel like a child leaning on the chest of my daddy. Adoration is like getting a heart massage. It’s like having God’s breath on your forehead. It’s a chance to just be with the Beloved. The most sublime moments of my life have been in adoration. 

I try to go to Mass every day. One may think I go because I am so holy, but the truth is, I go because I'm not. I need God. I need his help every day. Also, I'm in love with him and so I want to be with him, and receiving his Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity in the Eucharist is the most intimate way that I can be with him. 

After becoming a “born again” Catholic, a spirit-filled Catholic, I began to recall and treasure my first holy Communion. Dressed in white and full of belief, it is a memory of feeling whole and pure and precious to God. It may have been the holiest time in my life. Now as a mature Catholic, I want to receive him again as that little girl with full faith and a pure heart. 

Taking the ordinary and making it extraordinary is what God does best. His love changes everything. It changed me.